Fixpoint

Continued from part 3.

My reading of the log proceeded, though slowly; at first I struggled even to keep up with the lively current discussions, nevermind the background, in my free hours between existing commitments. The Marquess would check up on me from time to time, causing me to pay more attention to what was going on in my head and report as best I could; then she'd help to interpret or give advice, and refine it as more detail came to light. The main things I recall helping were: to take a more focused approach to the reading in light of my own questions; to write down whatever distracting thoughts were stirred up and whatever doubts I had; and that some pressure is necessary to motivate oneself to do things efficiently.⁽ⁱ⁾

The days turned into weeks and my reading project progressed, yet while it was interesting enough, my decision wouldn't budge from a firm "I dunno!" Two other prospects applied and were accepted (one of which not even such a "young" hand at 41). Robinson became perplexed and offered encouragement: in his mind, I was going to apply, be accepted, and excel. I took the words to heart, though knew I could not substitute them for my own judgement and action. At the same time, it worried me that he had not yet joined the channel. He certainly seemed to have a busy schedule, but I wondered if it was partly a continuation of the past avoidance pattern, while at least my various avoidances were now in public view. It seemed to me that if one of us engaged but not the other, it could set us on diverging paths, not to mention making it harder to communicate what we were up to.

The Marquess also urged me to communicate more. I theorized that my trouble with openness might come from a subconscious and self-defeating effort to get people to like me along with a fear of making mistakes; I reminded myself that I didn't care what most people would think about me. She gave reassurance that this was a learning place where mistakes were unsurprising, but noted the importance of the response and the stupidity of hiding oneself from those whose opinions one values.

~ To be continued ~

1. Note that YMMV with advice, as it's tailored to the individual; the channel is a multi-way interaction, not a self-help guide. Reading along can be a valuable start but is really not the same as being there. [^]